A Love Letter to Heaven
- 5 Posts
- Age 25
To the most beautiful woman who has an endless reservoir of love for a heart- a love that transcends through time not even death can dissipate- a love that feels like home- this one’s for you, Nanay.
I spent my childhood clinging to your arms and throwing tantrums whenever you’d leave for work. There were times you’d be gone for weeks because of the demands of your career, and I hated it.
Time came when I was the one who spent a lot of time away from home; I preferred the company of my friends and often had parties to attend to. There were times you’d tell me I don’t have time for you anymore, but you’d always say yes and let me go. I would go home in the wee hours, I barely answered your messages and phone calls but you never nagged me about it- you told me you trusted me.
When you retired from work, instead of sleeping in and taking your well-deserved rest, you’d wake up early in the morning and welcome me home after my graveyard shift. You’d prepare breakfast and I would hand you the bag of hot bread I bought on the way home. We’d talk about anything and everything- I would brag about my achievements at work and you’d always say you’re proud of me. We would talk about starting a new business, travelling, and you’d encourage me to write again because you were the only person in the world who knew I had talent for writing.
I was in a place in my life wherein I was trying to balance my time with you- my family and work. Leaving for work was not easy for me, because I always enjoyed bonding with you- especially when Tarin my adorable little nephew came along.
Just when I realized how important it is to spend time with our family, everything shifted for me… for us.
Life is funny… and unfair. I was not ready to lose you. I did not want to lose you.
Like my 5-year old self, I was clinging to your arms once again.
But this time, I looked at you and the 5-year old Joanna who threw tantrums and cried every time you left for work, now whispered: “It’s ok Nanay, you don’t have to worry anymore. It’s ok to go. It’s ok to let go…I love you.”
I will always, always look back on those last three precious hours with you- even if it hurts, even if it means living with the pain of losing you every day.
Twenty-two years of priceless memories I play over and over in my mind just to see you, hear you, feel you because twenty-two years with you is not just enough- it will never be enough.
When I lost you, you made me realize how brave I can be, how I am capable of loving deeply; you taught me to believe in the infinite power of faith and optimism; you have filled me up with so much love and inspiration that no tragedy could ever outweigh.
And if only the universe would grant me one wish, I would ask to be with you and feel like home for one more day.
I will always cherish this particular moment during my 6th birthday when you had me in your arms like I was your whole world, and the moment I had you in my arms for the last time when my whole world was falling apart right before my eyes.
Happy Mother’s day in heaven, Nanay.
I love you. I miss you every minute of every day.