Scattered on the verge of impossible

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Rajna Removic
Member since October 8, 2016
  • 24 Posts
  • Age 18

What is the truth, my truth? And where do I find that language of my soul everyone seems to talk about?

I spend a lot of time with myself, perhaps too much. Overthinking things is my favorite hobby; there’s nothing that gives me more pleasure and misery. I try really hard to be inexplicably complicated, incomprehensible to others, to myself. I do my best to induce obstacles, doubts, complications, and delusions. You might call me a master at it.

There is no real reason why I do it, I simply prefer to be considered different and atypical. I refuse to materialize myself. I refuse to be earthly. ’Special’ will be my brief description. I don’t believe myself to be everyday, average. There is something I feel in and around me that is rather deep and unusual. Do I think it or feel it, in the end, it’s the same. My thoughts reflect my feelings and vice versa. It’s all a big, tangled bundle of words and sensations. Rather, of meaning and purpose.

I live to fulfill my purpose, my ambitious goals and to disperse a little bit of value and life around me. And in me. The surface of the world is quite boring when looking at it with a regular pair of eyes. It’s made up of trees, different colors of the sky, stars, the Sun. Yet, when you think about it, when you connect it to your own spirit, it becomes a heavenly wonder. Even though heaven is a human. The nature and the world are just our perceptions of it, they are great and beautiful, independent and at our disposal. Everything good and bad in it is us. Human is the evil, human is the heaven. Our smiles and ideas, discoveries and experiences.

It is idiotic to keep everything so bluntly superficial. Superficial and material have become the words I’ve been using to describe all things around me these days, it perfectly applies to both people and things. I wish it was quite the opposite though. I wish I could scream ’special’ at their service. I wish they’d wake up from this passive sleep of theirs. Their individual power is so great they could change the world. And if not the world, then another person’s life, and these days that is the world itself.

Empathy and self-progress should be thought in school. Of what use is Einstein’s relativity theory if we do not know how to truly care for each other? If we cannot understand and perceive from the other person’s perspective? Of what use are we to others and ourselves if we are so ignorant through life, living it intellectually numb? My whole life I’ve been trying not to sink into the averageness. I’ve been trying to preserve my spirit, my mind, by reading, overthinking, writing and constantly challenging myself.

But can I really keep myself going? Sometimes, you are not enough to keep yourself motivated and thirsty for knowledge. it’s so easy to do what everyone else already does. It’s hard to step out, to be misunderstood, ready to dream big and be utterly different. Nonetheless, that’s the magic of everything, those individual differences and shades. The people who we don’t like to expose ourselves to, are the ones I force myself to be exposed to every single day.

I won’t accept myself as simple or typical or like every other girl. Because I am not. I overthink and I like to paint pictures inside my mind, I perpetually try to find the right words to express the labyrinth of my thoughts and I am challenging the meaning of everyone and everything around me. Especially the meaning of impossible. And the meaning behind me and my doubtful dreams. I am trying to reinvent something here: myself, the world, others, in the end it is all the same. It’s fused into one. I deny the statement that I am this or that way; I am only my way, and so is everyone else. Some of them, however, just don’t know it yet.

Do you understand what I’m trying to say? Maybe not; it doesn’t matter. I’m just trying to discover if impossible truly exists. I am proclaiming a revolution of overthinking!

Overthinking (n.): a rational, irrational; a logical, illogical; an emotional, emotionless; and most importantly a conscious outlook on all aspects of human life

*Note to all readers: The author of the text expresses some cloudy and opaque ideas. Try (not) to take her seriously!

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