Ayesha Zeb Dar
- 12 Posts
Sitting back and rewinding the pages of my memories I recall a person who's more than a person to me. Someone who is more like a "comfort zone". That's who you were dad, that's who you have always been!
One of my earliest memories was waking up early in the morning when no one else was awake and talking to you because you were an early riser too and I picked up little habits from you: rising early, punctuality etc.
I remember your first angioplasty when I was perhaps three years old and everyone was so worried, looking at your angiograms. Even at three, I could feel the tension that it created: you being ill.
I remember how you had to take all these medicines and I used to give them to you at the appropriate times, and because I was too-spoiled a child and had almost no friends, I would pass my time at home by fighting you for no reason and not even saying sorry for it. I vividly remember how I never said sorry and you used to call me and make up with me anyways. How, when I fought at such times I would threaten you by saying stuff like: "Go get your medicines all by yourself then" as if that was by any means difficult for you.
I remember how you weren't there most of my early childhood, always having to travel and calling me from far away, even as late as 3 at night to check if I was okay when you heard it had been a stormy thundery day back at home because you knew I was afraid of storms and thunder.
I remember you as a very strict father, a very strict abiding-by-the-rules kind but never with me. I remember you never really scolding me ever. I remember you calming me down when I was angry and trying to make me laugh.
I remember daddy, when I grew up and at some point in my teenage years I thought that maybe you weren't a superhero kind of dad, but then I remember mom telling me to think otherwise. I remember her agreeing that you had been an amazing father to us all, providing us everything no matter what, and being there for us, always!
I remember thinking that maybe you didn't love me the most, and then I remember mom telling me that she had never seen you become so soft and extremely sweet-hearted person for any of your children other than me and one of my other siblings.
I remember daddy, when I had to choose between staying home or going to a hostel for university and you trying your very best to make me stay with excuses such as "oh you can cook well" when I actually just tried cooking for the first time.
I remember choosing otherwise and finding you very supportive.
I remember when I got really sick and you were in the ICU at my bedside sitting all day long with that worried expression on your face.
I remember you pushing my wheelchair and not letting others do it when I got ill again and later telling us how your hands hurt because of all the pushing at the age of 65.
I remember you turning 60 and using the "old card" as we say, as an excuse for not doing things and getting privileges. I remember you saying "I am a senior citizen now" time and again.
I remember you growing old.
I remember how we saw tears in your eyes once and we all knew that this thing had to be serious, and then sitting down with you.
I remember coming home from the hostel the last time and not finding you because you were ill and had gone. I remember how no one else at home asked me to stay up late and tell stories about university and hostel life that night.
I remember you getting really ill last year and not being able to speak much because of the tiredness but still asking me if I got the papers for my university submitted with ease or not.
I remember you always planning ahead of time for us.
I remember you being a far-sighted, really talented person.
I remember you being my go-to answer book to every query.
I remember you telling me "to always come to your father if you have any issues".
I remember you solving our issues from miles away.
I remember you keeping a check on me as I travelled even when we were in different time zones.
I remember you being proud of me.
I remember you being the most frank dad with us.
I remember you respecting our choices and opinions and not making us go against them even though you thought they were stupid sometimes.
I remember you being the cool dude, funny dad.
I remember you being our chief advisor, our friend.
I remember you trying to be the better friend of ours than mom, and succeeding at it.
I remember you being strong.
I remember us not perhaps not being the kids you wanted, and not fulfilling your expectations.
I remember disappointing you at times.
I remember not caring for you as much.
I remember how your kids have been very selfish, so unlike you dad.
I remember letting myself down and finding the courage to get back up not in me but in you.
I remember too much dad. But I remember not remembering more than you.
I remember saying I loved you but I remember you proving that you loved us more through your actions.
It's sad that now I have to see you be "not-so-strong". I know that we have grown up and you have grown old but I don't like that the strength that I have means you’re finally getting tired.
This time that is now passing, is what I would perhaps not like to remember.
I would not like to remember me staying away from you.
I would not like to remember me not being the person to give you your daily tablets.
I would not like to remember me being the spoiled teenager who doesn't wake up early with you anymore.
I would not like to remember not being there for you as much as I would love to.
I would, in all this time like to remember if this writing made you feel that we do dearly love you. Yes we are spoiled and miserable but we are proud because you gave us that much care, love and everything else that made us so spoiled.
But most of all, I would like to remember remembering you! How all these memories fit so perfectly! How you have been more important than any other memory in our lives!
I write this on behalf of all of your children and the rest of the family as well when I do tell you: I can't say that you are the best because then I would be comparing you to other fathers when really you have no comparison. I love you. Thank you Dad!