You that are killing me

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Rajna Removic
Member since October 8, 2016
  • 20 Posts
  • Age 17

You that are killing me, are giving me hope.

Blood disgusts me, but I’ll get over it, I’ll get used to it.

I feel like scratching my scars, I feel like peeling off the dead skin off my lips, but I’ll resist it.

I won’t go crazy, I won’t beg you to leave me, I won’t destroy myself.

You just have to give me hope.

I see the way you look at me. You’re cruel, but you feel sorry. You wish you could wash the blood off my scratches with some alcohol. And when you clean my tiny arms from the red water of my body, I can see you’re hurting. Because every time I sigh from the burning pain of the watered cloth, you cringe. Every time I bite my swollen lip and it starts bleeding, you come running over with a tissue. And every time I cry, you hold my head on your chest. I hear your beating heart then and I pretend to cry even more just so I can stay in your hug a little bit longer.

Your heartbeat excites me. It fills me up with a peaceful happiness. Like a ray of sunshine came through my cracks.

You are my light as much as you’re my dark.

You abuse me and you hit me and you punch me, but I forgive you. You always make it up with that blinding light of yours. Nobody has that kind of light. Such softness and warmth cannot be found anywhere but within your soul. Maybe they’re so strong because they’re the only good in you. They are the only light in your black, evil darkness. And they are glorifying. Magnificent. Abiding in their extent. That’s why I let you shatter me so many times- I want to see that light and I want to feel it in my lungs. Your light repairs all the broken pieces your darkness destroyed. You ruin me and then you put me back together-happier, more beautiful.

And I don’t mind. I don’t care.

I’ll cough, I’ll cringe, I’ll suffer as long as I can feel that burning sunshine of yours touching my skin, repairing it, restoring its glow.

As long as I can feel the fiery love in your hug.

As long as I can see that you care about me.

As long as I know that you’re giving me hope.

As long as there’s love. Even the one that destroys from time to time.

I love you...and I know that you can learn to love me too.


2 years later I finally realised love isn’t supposed to hurt or destroy.

This post is a piece of fiction.

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