Have you ever been so hurt that after years have passed you still feel empty? That happened to me. It is still happening to me.
I was too young when I had my first and only real relationship. It started when I was 13 and ended just before my 20th birthday. Six years of my life devoted to someone who I thought that really cared about me. I keep saying that I was too young because, by trying to fulfill the romanticism portrayed in those cheesy romcom movies, I lost myself.
Now I know that those movies don’t tell you what it really means to be in a healthy relationship. But still, I currently watch the teenage romcoms in my 20's because I didn’t have that experience. My experience was totally different, in which now I recognized that it involved mental and emotional abuse. In that critical age period in which a person discovers who she/he is, instead of making mistakes and doing stuff that was for my personal growth I changed myself little by little to become the “perfect” girlfriend. In a span of six years I molded myself so much that I even changed the way I laughed only because my partner didn’t like it.
I broke it off, the relationship, because I perceived that the “love” he was giving me was a toxic and manipulative way to get what he wanted: a complacent girlfriend that wouldn’t search for anything apart from him (not even for my personal/professional growth). Mental and emotional abuse/violence is a taboo that should be talked about more. Because people see some behaviors as "normal" depending the culture they live in, when it is not. We must speak up and make a change.
Why am I writing about this now? Almost three years after it ended? I noticed that I still watch the teenage romcoms and fantasize about love like a preadolescent girl. That teenage girl that devoted herself to a person is still inside of me crying and pleading for something she never had. That teenage girl is now a woman in her 20's battling with her self-confidence, cannot say no to anyone, being “too good” as everyone describes me. Being alone is such a hard task to complete without getting sad. I leave everything a mess in my personal space because my personal thoughts, my mind, my heart is a mess still.
I always say that I got over him, and that I did. I act all tough… even though I still cry about it. I still cannot get over the fact that I wasted years of my life devoting to someone else, instead of devoting to myself. Now I cannot love myself and it is hard to accept the love from others, even from my parents. I noticed that I wanted recognition because my ex-partner wouldn’t recognize me as a human being. But first I need to recognize myself and start exploring who I am. AND IT IS SO HARD. With all these self-love campaigns I feel like I am drowning in the despair that I cannot achieve said self-love. I don’t want recognition any more; I want happiness in all forms given by life.
With a knot in my throat I am writing this. I am writing this because I felt like this would be the way to say goodbye to the thought of “I wasted years” and turn it into “because of those years, now I know what I want and what I need to do”.
I consider myself as damaged goods right now, but I will recycle my thoughts into a productive, accomplished and healthy person.
And even with all my fantasies, I am not looking for someone… I am looking for myself. Because I believe in love. But I also believe that you must be your best self and be confident in who you are to be with someone, and to help improve each other without losing oneself. Because I won’t go through that again. NO MORE EMOTIONAL NOR MENTAL ABUSE. I swear it.