Year 2018, that was the year I was going to live life true to myself. At least that was what I thought I was going to do. What ended happening was much more different.
I continued to fear revealing my true self unapologetically because I thought I would be rejected for it. I continued going with the crowd flow and putting up a front 'cause everyone expected me to be something; so much more different to what I actually was feeling. Hiding my true feelings, I continued on.
Until the breaking point later in the year.
November is a hectic month. Just a month before the end of the year, everyone rushes around trying to fulfill goals they set at the beginning of the year. Students cramming for end of year exams and assignments. It was utter chaos. In the middle of that chaos, here I was trying not to lose my sanity. Navigating through the sea of chaos was proving to be more and more difficult every passing day until one day, it tipped me over the abyss. That one particular day would have been when I ceased to exist, but that was actually the day I ended having my epiphany. That was the day I decided, firmly, that I wasn't going to live my life to please others. That I was going to show my true colors and not be afraid to overthink, over-love, over-care, be carefully spontaneous, be my totally awesome self.
All of the 22 years in my life, I have been known as someone who was friendly, all-smiling, all the time bubble of a person. No one knew how much I struggled with problems because I decided to hide everything. As I got to know later on, many people were afraid to get close to me because I was friends with almost everyone I met. As my oldest friend told me, she never used to worry too much about me because I always had a smile on my face and I got along with everyone. She used to always think that I don't value her as one of my closest friends because I got along with anyone and everyone. But in reality, I always used to question myself about my self-worth, because although I used to ask everyone about their problems, no one used to ask me; are you okay? I used to feel I lacked identity because I never really used to express how I felt about something truly, but always avoided those topics if it came up.
So as of Year 2019, I made a new promise to myself. Be myself unapologetically.
I have slowly decided to take more risks, be open towards people, talk about my struggles and my interests. I have slowly begun the journey of self-discovery. I have decided to take criticism and mend my ways if I'm wrong. I express my opinions more and have learned to listen and speak up for when I feel something needs to change. I don't mean to sound like a philosopher, 'cause I'm far from one, but little by little I feel myself growing. Truly getting to know myself. Reaching for what I want and not letting society define what I should want.
I'm far from finished. We always constantly keep growing and we should never let society decide what is best for us. Never harming anyone in the process, we must learn to be what we want to be, because you and I can always grow. Grow for the better and change the future as we know it. We must never let ourselves grow stagnant 'cause that is where destruction comes from.
I'm still the girl I was before: bubbly & friendly but not hiding that I do sometimes struggle. Through opening up more and allowing myself to discover my true self, I have made some of the closest and bestest friends I could ever ask for.
So define yourself. Its never too late to start. Its a process and you'll never stop discovering new aspects and talents of yours. Be your totally, unapologetic, true self!