As a child, I grew fond of the books that were the homes to my best friends, and out of all of them, the one creature that intrigued me the most: the phoenix. It was the supernatural creature that rose from its own ashes and stood as a symbol for the sun: the golden orb which was another paramount of my curiosity, that rose in the morning and “died” in the night, only to rise again the next day.
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Spark: The phoenix is pure white, symbolizing its innocence while being introduced to the world.
Every person who has been bullied will forever remember their first time experiencing it. It’s the day, hour, minute, and second that they leave the safety of their parents and are pushed out to become witnesses to the cruelty of society.
The friends they have built lego sets with, the ones that they learned how to read with, and the people that they laughed together with, all of a sudden become their biggest enemies. Comparisons are made, stereotypes are formed, and insulting words are thrown around. On purpose or not, those words are what make or break young children. If they’re able to handle when someone calls them something, they’ve started their journey to forming thick skin, but if they cry, they’re on the journey to being bullied more. I wish I was the first type of kid, the one who grew thick skin, but that wasn’t me; no, I was the one who kept getting bullied and going home crying to my parents.
Tinder: The phoenix develops a metallic golden color, in which its characteristics and behaviors are developed. Its individuality begins here.
The first time I got bullied was the day my second-grade classmates made fun of my accent. They used the specific phrase “FOB”, meaning “Fresh Off the Boat”, to mock me and those three letters were the ones used to mock immigrants or in many cases, just people from Asia. It implied that the people had just traveled across oceans to get here and everyone around me saw that as a bad thing.
I didn’t learn what it meant until much later on though. I bore my classmates’ condescending tones laced with hatred as much as I could, but I couldn’t hold in my sadness at times. After being pushed to a certain extent, I openly cried during lunch or during our recess breaks. This was when I started being scared of speaking up in class since I would get mocked for my accent, and that cowardice stuck with me.
I started to believe what they had to say about me. I accepted their mocking and my cowardice.
Ember: The phoenix feathers are subdued colors of orange and red, where the phoenix starts becoming worn down. Its strength starts to diminish.
The pungent smell of chalkboard combined with sweat filled the room when our teacher told my 8th grade Social Studies class to work together on our homework. As everyone started conversing and partnering up around me, I suddenly became the talk of the conversation when one person said “M’s a Big Mac.” I endured what they said about me when everyone started laughing in agreement with what the person had said.
I sat there, silently listening to what they were saying about my weight, my accent, and more. I couldn't tell them to stop. I couldn’t stand up for myself. Instead, hot tears welled up in the corners of my eyes, and no matter how fast I blinked, they persisted. I ran to the bathroom and cried to myself in front of the mirror. All I saw was my weak self and how I had let the others in my class win; they had gotten the reaction they wanted out of me.
As I walked back, shoulders heaving and red eyes still brimming with tears, I realized my cowardice again. Instead of using my voice and standing up for myself, I had cried.
With that, the last of my self-confidence disappeared.
Ash: The phoenix dissolves into a flame from which it rises again. Its new journey starts with the phoenix being stronger than it was in its previous life.
I had my head down on my accordion folder with my uneaten lunch next to me, shielding my face from my supposed friends, who were yelling at me in the noisy lunchroom, so that they wouldn’t see my shuddering shoulders, quivering lips, and bloodshot eyes. I couldn't take it.
“M. You’re stupid and without us, you wouldn’t have any friends. No one likes you.” March 18, 2019. That was the day I heard this from the people I thought were my closest friends.
With a split-second decision, I shot my head up and finally did it. “I don’t need your acceptance to be me. I can be me, I can be smart, I can have friends, and I can live happily without any of you,” I fired back.
With that, I stood up, took my things, and walked away. I didn’t walk away from my toxic friends who convinced me that I was worthless and not important for that one lunch period. No. I walked away from my cowardice and their hurtful words forever, by for the first time, standing up for who I was and what I believed in.
I had stood up for myself. I had been reborn and transformed into a new version of myself.
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Now, to be honest. My story of being like a phoenix didn’t end perfectly. I know that there will be times where I will be mocked and made fun of, but now I have a voice that I’m not scared to use. My strength might disappear at times, but like a phoenix, my bravery will be born again and my strength will come back after each experience. I am like a phoenix: one that rises again from the same ashes that I died in. I am like a phoenix: I spread my wings and am ready to fly, in hopes that the air will gracefully catch my wings and help me soar through life.
