If You Need Me, I'm Here

Field of purple lilies alongside a sunset filled with clouds.

Who are we? Who are you? Who am I? Am I just another human being or am I an individual worth of respect, understanding and compassion? Am I an impostor or am I the real one? Do I deserve what I’m going through or is it simply something that had to happen? Was it my fault or was it just life going on and on about situations out of my control? 

These questions plague us, for some, only a couple of hours or days, for others, a couple years and for others, an entire lifetime. We grow up believing that no matter what we do, we can always do better. In any given situation, there is always something that could have been done differently, done with more sincerity, more love, more dedication, more passion. That is what is taught, a constant race. If you are not giving your one hundred percent, then it is not worth it, even if everything we can give at that moment is a twenty, fifty, ten o even one percent. But we do try, we try to do our best, even when we feel like the world is against us. Even when we feel like we are undeserving of anything good, we try, with everything inside of us.

At some point, even if we feel like we did not grow up directly involved with these types of boulders, we will encounter it. From others, the media, our families, friends, anyone that is close enough to even say a simple hello. Some never notice, taking it as any other word that travels through the air, coming and going, without any weight or significance. But, for others, it may drag on for days, weeks, months and even years. It may be as heavy as a boulder, as an insurmountable pressure that suffocates us, that clogs our throats and doesn’t let air pass through, no matter how hard we try.

But you are not alone, I promise you. Even though you may not know me, and I may not know you, you are not alone. I know because I have felt that way for almost the entirety of my life. I grew accustomed to it, that feeling that weighs you down until you feel like you can no longer breath properly and the only thing left is let the tears stream down your cheeks. The unmeasurable pressure from the outside, the ongoing dread of any other thought entering our mind that could completely destroy what little is left from our inner peace, the constant battle of emotions that surge without even noticing, the ache of trying to fit in so badly that no matter how big your efforts are, they never feel like they are enough or even, something as small as a comment that is supposedly well intended, that could completely crush one down.

The feeling of never being enough, never being good enough. The feeling that everything is your fault, and then, after all of that, just assuming that it is, never questioning it, never doubting it, just accepting it. It is always easier to just accept things without questioning them, accepting them as a truth. And, at the end of the day, feeling like you deserve it because you feel like there is no one to tell you the opposite. That feeling of loneliness, of a void that can never be filled no matter how hard we try.

But we are not alone, even though it may feel like a void that sucks you in and does not let you out, at some point you will come out. At some point, you will have to stop swimming to keep being alive, at some point, you will reach the shore. At some point, things will get better. The pain may not leave instantly, it may linger longer than we expect or even be there for a long time, but, at some point, it will stop. It may not stop in three seconds; it may stop progressively and slowly. But it will eventually leave.

Because we are much more than what we think, we are much more compassionate than we realize, we are much more intelligent than we realize, much more outspoken, much braver, much lovelier, much more interesting, and much more deserving than we realize. We are not impostors, we are not failures, we are not useless, we are not disappointments, we are not weighing anyone down, we are not undeserving, we are not mean, we are not cruel, we are not bad human beings, we are not bad people. We are just people, who make mistakes, who don’t know better, who learn from our own mistakes, who learn from them and that is okay, we are just people.

You deserve to be loved, to be understood, to be respected, to be compassionate with and most importantly, you deserve to be free from those thoughts that feel like a boulder so heavy, we can no longer live without it, because it is just there.

Even though it may seem insignificant, things will get better, not because or for the rest of the world, but for us and because of us. Because we are the ones that want a better tomorrow for ourselves, because we deserve it.

I am here for you, you are not alone and even if it may seem like no one else is going through this and no one else can understand you, always remember, if you need me, for reassurance and even for just a little comfort or for feeling a little less lonely, even a tiny bit, I am here.