I've been feeling miserable

my mom, my lifesaver

It's funny how my last post is about feeling better and now I'm writing about how miserable I am, but I feel a strong urge to write about every aspect of my life. The good and the bad.

In order for you to understand why I am so miserable, firstly I need to tell you about my backround. I am a 19 year old student studying communication sciences (which was my dream college). Currently I am in a healthy relationship, for the first time, with an phenomenal person. I am living with my brother and sister since my parents moved to Germany to work. I am financially stable and my grades are excellent. My friend circle consists of extraordinary people who love and care for me everyday. I finally have the life I prayed for before going to sleep.

But I am feeling hopeless and empty with no motivation to study, be healthy or even love. My mind has been crushed by the weight of the society, anxiety, depression, everything bad in the world. My mom has been there for me through the hardest of times giving me the Iove that I could never give back. She is my calm place, my rock. When she left, my heart broke and my soul knew that it was time to give up.

From that moment I have been running from my problems because they carry tremendous amount of unexplainable fear with them. Fear of myself. Fear of change, of feeling better. Solving my problems for me is not a solution, it is a wrecking ball that goes straight through my little wooden house on the hill. It forces me to look at myself and start working on myself. But how can you move a weight as big as Mars off your chest when on some days you do not have the strength to get out of your bed? The answer is simple. You continue running hoping that it will only build your muscles instead of tearing them apart. I am miserable because for the first time in my life I have something to run to, but that means that I can finally stop running.

The only way for your pain to gradually get easier is to ask for help from anyone; it could be your psychiatrist, parent, relative, friend or even a pet. The key is in communication because it gives you the opportunity to share the weight of your mind and soul with others so it can finally be easier to carry. 

The point of this blog is to show you how dealing with mental health issues, while in treatment, can be so hard before it gets better. Mental illnesses are scary and unpredictable but it's on us as people to connect and start a conversation that will lead to better understanding of ourselves.