Growing up I always felt excluded, inferior, and as if the entire world were plotting against me. It took me about 3 years to finally stop trying to catch everyone out in the act. Though I stopped trying to catch everyone out plotting against me, I still couldn’t fully accept myself or express my emotions. To do that, I first needed to admit that I had feelings in the first place.
It wasn’t until my matric year when I opened up to a teacher that I realized how closed and secretive I’ve been. It was her words “You always seemed so positive and happy-go-lucky” that changed me. If only she knew…
Almost two years later, I realize that ALL that was nothing more than just my own insecurities keeping me from living my life; keeping me from speaking up and accepting and loving myself. I decided that, instead of hiding or running away from my fears and insecurities to flaunt it! No one was plotting anything against me.
Even though I came to accept myself, I realize that those years still affect me (even if on a much lower level). I can still easily feel threatened – even by the smallest, superficial things. I am very tuned in to people’s behavior towards me; even the slightest change would get me worried and make my go defensive.
Growing up is an ongoing process and it is especially difficult for young people with so much to figure out and deal with. I don’t think parents and people quite understand what we go through in a world where we are taught “big boys don’t cry” or boys aren’t allowed to show emotions that doesn’t express their masculinity.
I wish we could all just take one step back and look at the inner person, the inner child. There is a reason for everything we do and how we are. There is so much we go through on a daily basis.
