So now that everything seems settled down in college (although it never is settling, there is always something or the other which one can find here, but the chaos that a new college creates in ones' mind is now settled) I have found new things to ponder upon.
My usual thinking about physics, the cool Arduino stuff, programming and other things never ends, but sometimes new thoughts emerge. They linger upon my mind for so long that they breed new ideas and in the course of this you find out a new you hidden inside.
So once I was talking to a friend of mine over text and what usually happens is that our conversations go on for hours and sometimes they manage to peek in our deep thoughts and sometimes it's just random college life crazy thoughts. The thing about this friend is that, however shy he may be during a face to face conversation, I always find him quite open to me during a text conversation. And although I myself am not a fan of texting, I do that sometimes because I always love to listen to stories and new ideas as they always remind yourself of the lost you and they tell so much about the people around you and the thoughts they have.
So it was one of those times during a serious conversation with my friend, that I asked him a question and his reply really shook me.
I quoted a general statement about him and then immediately said that I was going to regret that I said that, to which his reply was:
"Prajvi, you never regret things you say out so strongly. You are unapologetically you, and that is perhaps the best bit about you. I can never dream of being that."
His answer was so straightforward, yet that made me think about all the things that I say and what people do and do not expect about me. Ending that conversation, I sat back on the bed thinking about that statement. Thinking over and over about the same statement until it no longer made sense. It must have replayed in my head a thousand times and after some time, when I was no longer able to take the burden of my own thoughts, I slept hard.
Now here I must say that truly, our brain works best when we sleep, because that time, the subconscious knocks out the conscious system and takes control. You see our own self answers our own questions, all that is required is a knocked out conscious brain and setting out the right frequency for the subconscious to work.
So the next morning after waking up and finding myself a clear head, the thoughts although incomplete, somehow felt discretely complete.
No regret is quite a big remark in itself. And I would clearly be bragging if I say that I never regret. We all regret our decisions and the things we say, it is just the matter of how we handle them.
Feeling regret and showing it are two very different things. Not showing that you regret is sometimes the safest option, especially for a girl/woman because we clearly don't want people to take advantage of us, right?
Wrong, showing regret is a personal choice. Showing your weakness isn't a bad thing. I believe that it makes us a stronger person, helps us to command our own emotions, makes us courageous. If you don't agree let us ask you a few questions:
Why do many men hide their fears?
Why do most of them pretend to be strong and pretend that everything is under control, but in reality nothing is?
Does it help them fight those situations?
Does it actually make them strong?
Well in my opinion, they might feel that they have everything sorted out, but in the long run, it makes them weak, and by weak I mean weak immunity wise. Many scientists and physiologists agree that hiding our emotions and thoughts for long times, affects our brain functioning which can lead to many more problems.
The point here is that showing emotions does not make anyone weak, it helps us relieve pain and unburdens us from our own self, stops our own body from stalking itself. Now regret is a feeling in which you unconditionally stab yourself with your own thoughts and feelings. Saying things that we have in our mind, taking a stand for ourselves and fighting for what is right even though we might be alone, are not the things that we should regret. It marks the beginning of a strong person, a strong individual.
Now if you think that being yourself is an easy task, then yes you are partially correct. It is an easy task, all you need to do is forget what other people might think about you, as most of them don't even know how to define themselves. Now when you have achieved that, remember that your goals and needs should come first in your list. As I have seen, most of us ladies are always ready to sacrifice our needs and wills for others. To be yourself, always make sure that you speak your mind. Speak out, speak out if you find something wrong, speak out when your rights are violated, speak out when you can't handle things, speak out when you can handle them. Don't let others take control over you and voila, you are another step closer to being yourself. Last and definitely not the least, don't pressure yourself to be in the good books of all the people. It is not necessary that we are a hero in everyone's story.
The one thing that I found to be the most challenging during this whole becoming myself process is that fear always jumps in situations which matter the most. Fear is the only thing that stops us.
I never quite realized how free I let myself be. I let myself be a new version of me each day. Sometimes I care what my dear ones would think and sometimes I get so involved in myself that I don't give a damn.
Another point that came here is:
How do we define ourselves?
Well it's not that we only have one personality. WE all have different faces of ourselves and we must learn to nourish all of them. WE can't fully be ourselves if we do not know how to perceive all our faces. And those faces make us who we are. Those traits define us. And losing them would mean losing ourselves.
And to people who say: You have changed