Let me tell you one thing about myself. I was never a quitter and I will never be. However, sometimes, I lose control over myself and over my mind. Sometimes, I just end up lost in a maze, where all my strength dissolves in vain. Then, I try to remind myself that I am strong enough to overcome this darkness. For years, I struggled through minor depression; for some time I drowned myself in sadness. Sometimes, I could not sleep at night. And, some other times I would just start crying without a reason. For long years, I hated that space of time between being awake and falling asleep; I would feel anxious and restless.
I endured all this for years, until last year, when I went to a gynecologist for a checkup related to period problems. After a few tests, the doctor told me that I have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. So, then I understood why I have had these mood swings for years. I also learnt that my troubled hormones were the reason behind my depression. The doctor gave me pills to help me, to somehow stabilize my hormones. However, she did not give me any medication for the depression, she just told me that whenever I feel down I have to talk to someone, and advised me to share my feelings with my friends and family. She said the best thing to do is to talk it out and, to always stay positive.
Therefore, here I am today, feeling as down as my depression allows me. I have decided to share with you, because if I don’t, I will keep thinking about my ever-growing facial hair and the ugly acne on my face. I will keep thinking about how jobless I am at 27 years old and, how I could not lose my belly fat. I will keep remembering that the love of my life got married three years ago and now he has a life without me. And, if I don’t share this with you, I will keep feeling weak and useless; a person who is not able to change a thing. I will even remember the times the girls I called my best friends bullied me during high school, then, I will start crying because I feel lonely.
Actually, I am sharing with you because I want to remember how strong I am. I want to feel that I can overcome this darkness despite all the pain I feel inside. The doctor told me to speak out whenever, I feel down, and here I am sharing with you the details of my life because I know that you would care.
Today, I am writing because I want you to tell me, “It’s okay and everything is going to be fine.” I have always written blogs on Voices of Youth telling young people like me that despite the darkness, the sun will rise again. This time, I want you to be the ones telling me that. I want you to help me believe in my own words.
However, deep down I can feel myself fighting for my sanity, because no matter how much I hate this phase in my life, I will never give up on myself. I will live my life like a limitless sky. I will wake up tomorrow morning with a smile on my face, and I will tell my family that I love them. I will hug each one of them tightly and tell them that I am happy to have them in my life. I will be grateful for all the good and the bad I am going through. Tomorrow morning, I will start over again, and I will only see the beauty in my imperfections. I will love myself because I am worth it. And, you my dears, who are reading this, you will help me through this by believing in yourselves as well.
To all people who are going through depression, I want you to repeat this after me: “We are beautiful, we are worth this life, we are smart and we are strong. We are happy to be who we are, and we love ourselves.”
Right this moment, I am writing this blog, the horizon will swallow the sun in few minutes, and the darkness will take over, however, and despite all the sadness in life, the world will shine again by tomorrow and so will I.