Delusional + Guilty

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Image
A shy boy trying to cover his face.

Yesterday, I was going through some of the old pictures in the gallery. I noticed something, which I had never noticed before. A picture of me, a selfie to be more specific - it was wrong. I mean, its right side was on the right side; if you take selfie, your right side should be on the left side not on the right. That means that image was flipped. I checked all the selfies that I had of me on the phone. Each one of them were flipped, I've been overlooking this thing for years.

I've always had this complain that whenever someone takes my picture, my face is always a little bit off. I mean my left side lip is always looking asymmetric, along with the left jaw. That's why I always decline if someone asks me to take my picture (I mean if on a trip or occasion), because till now I used to think that the person isn't taking it right.

Normally it shouldn't be a problem for anyone, nothing to bother about, but I still don't know why it bothered me so much. I went to the mirror, I was looking the same as before, no change. But you know, in the mirror, one sees the flipped images. I also know it, but still I was trying to refute it. Till now I used to think that I looked the same in real life as I looked in the selfies, but now I know it was a lie.

According to me, I looked good in the flipped images. I'm aware of my face's asymmetry, but I've been wrong the whole time about its side. I deleted all pics of mine from social media. Most of the pictures I had uploaded were actually flipped selfies. It felt like I was deceiving my friends and family. They have seen me in real life, and when they see those flipped pictures, what would they think. I never apply any beautifying filters, still they would know that I've been doing this. They'll think that I'm pretentious, when I'm not.

There is a someone who likes me, she shouldn't but she does. She has confessed the feelings, but I don't know what thing she likes about me; my personality, qualities, way of talking, my looks, my face? If it were my face, why does she like it? After all the flaws that my face has, those asymmetric lips, lowered jaw? Or she never even noticed it.

Everyday, I go cycling through the city. Everyday used to be normal, but today, it was something different, very very different. I keep looking at people passing by, nervously thinking what they'll be thinking about me, like I'm cycling through the crowd with a shattered face. Usually, I don't care about these things, but this time I did.

"Do I look good?", whenever I used to ask this question to myself, the answer was, "yes!" not in any narcissistic manner. But yesterday, the answer was "no."

It's like I've been living in a delusion of some kind; which I was. I thought I looked good. I don't care if I had looked better than my classmates or friends or family members, because the question never mentions a second person. I don't compare myself to others. But this realization has lead me to question some things.

I shouldn't make it a big deal but this late realization has shook me. The problem is I spent almost all night overthinking about this and didn't sleep, and I've been avoiding sleeping at night for last three days, I really sleep deprived and stressed.

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