Mind while in quarantine

Me while meditating

Changes can sometimes be tricky.  When you have an anxiety disorder they can be triggering .

For me panic attacks mostly occur in cases when I feel "trapped " for example in traffic, in queues, or when in very crowded places. 

I was having a really hard time even before the pandemic spread. I had just dropped out of University because I was too sick to continue doing something I didn't really feel I truly wanted and I was struggling with finding myself without being labeled as a "student". The unnecessary stares and unwanted opinions of others on my decisions were hurtful and didn't really help my overthinking.

When it was announced we were officially in quarantine I took it quite well. But days went by and every hour there were terrible news, new rules to live by and I started feeling "trapped". The house was now crowded with all of us having no where to go. Luckily for us, we weren't having any symptoms and we hadn't gone out unless it was for groceries. But they announced you might actually have the virus and have no symptoms and my anxiety was constant. I kept worrying I had somehow contracted it.

Than I started feeling really blue. I was supposed to apply to the University after deciding I wanted to become a social worker and that was no longer happening. I felt stuck. While my friends were finishing their second year I was having trouble getting in. I felt like I had nothing going for me.  For days I didn't feel like getting out of bed. I felt like I didn't want to be here anymore. I didn't want to die, I knew that. But I wanted to not feel anything and I was scared of what that feeling could escalate into. 

I have lately made a new friend, Connor. He runs this page about his recovery journey which I've followed for a while which is one of the main reasons I have used social media for a few months now, his page really helps. So I contacted him. He advised I stay in touch with my loved ones. And he said I should not try to immediately get rid of what I was feeling . I had to acknowledge it. Know why I was feeling that way and than deal with it properly and than let it go. 

I tried it. I knew social media was having a very huge impact on what was going on inside my head. The constant pressure of having to be productive during this time, the numerous false articles exaggerating what was happening were making me feel so much anxious. So I took a little break from watching the news and using social media.

I called my friends more often. It was peaceful for a while and I felt better. 

I learned I wasn't the only one feeling overwhelmed by my surroundings. What I was feeling was normal I just had to know how to properly work with my feelings and when to avoid anything toxic.

Things are not back to normal yet. And I know I will have my ups and downs in the months to come but I will do my best to overcome them and that is the only thing I can do at the moment.

It is normal to not be okay. It is normal if not neccesery to reach out when in need.

Struggles need to be shared in order to be minimised.

We are not alone. And we are stronger than we believe. 

Kosovo (SCR1244)